The Baby Boomers, Explained
January 23rd, 2012 by Tom Johnson
If I were a different kind of wine blogger, I would ask for the perfect food/wine pairing for this meal.
But since I’m not a different kind of wine blogger, I will simply note that a whole generation grew up on crap like this and they’re the same population cohort that makes up the spine of the Tea Party.
My theory: the bilious anger caused by being served a dinner of Spam and lima beans on a Formica tabletop by parents who smoked at the dinner table has never quite dissipated, and they’re going to make damned sure you don’t enjoy your arugula.
Source: Mitch O’Connell.
Posted in And Food | Comments (4)
In Which Professional Wine Writing Turns Into the Jerry Lewis Telethon
January 19th, 2012 by Tom Johnson
The defining characteristics of the waning years of the Jerry Lewis Telethon were outpourings of maudlin emotion and humble self-congratulation by old people belaboring the obvious. In the telethon’s case, it was a bunch of currently-headlining-at-the-Debbie-Reynolds-Theater-in-Branson-Missouri schtickmeisters returning to their Vegas-lounge glory days to remind us all that kids shouldn’t suffer unless it’s on camera to raise money.
In wine writing, the topic of crusade is the 100-point scoring system, sure to get a rise out of…well, people like me. If you search “100-point wine scoring,” Google returns more than 85-million references. Narrow the search to blogs-only and you’ll still get 4.3-million postings, each of them no doubt a cri de coeur in which people serious about wine lament the benighted masses who drink without the benefit of neurosis and access to free portfolio tastings.
Who doesn’t get tired of endlessly debating the value of 100-point scoring systems? Well, for one, David Duman of The Huffington Post — which sounds a lot like it might be the newspaper Mr. Wilson read in the old Dennis the Menace cartoon strip, which is just another detail reinforcing the old-fartiness of the whole discussion. So by all means, Mr. Duman, we need another 500 words on the subject. And it would be particularly helpful if you used your latest Huffington posting to remind us all that you were on the record against 100-point scales from Day One. Through the breach, as it were, with bayonet fixed to slash away on behalf of conventional wisdom.
Well and good, Mr. Duman, but not in itself a telethon-class achievement. That’s going to require a dead-before-the-needle-left-the-arm overdose of deeply felt overstatement about the fundamental goodness of those with whom one is disagreeing — in this case, the wine intelligentsia’s equivalent of Mel Torme, Steve Heimoff.
So, this (emphasis added):
In the ensuing months, my opinion hasn’t changed but I thought the debate was worth another look…
Let me just break in here to remind you that wine bloggers have decided this debate was “worth another look” 4.3 million times.
In the ensuing months, my opinion hasn’t changed but I thought the debate was worth another look because of a couple of somewhat recent high profile defenses of the system from writers whose work I otherwise admire, including San Francisco Chronicle wine editor Jon Bonné and freelance writer and Wine Enthusiast west coast editor Steve Heimoff. Both of these men I consider among the most thoughtful and cosmopolitan journalists writing about wine today, so it was discouraging to see their defenses of the system utilizing those same tired arguments used by lesser critics.
Leaving John Bonné out of this, consider Steve Heimoff as “thoughtful and cosmopolitan” while viewing this video, in which a refrigerated and totally professional Heimoff discusses the endlessly-fascinating topic of rating wine. This is a video I’ve kept secret for years because, like Jerry Lewis Himself, it’s so awesomely bad that it qualifies as a national treasure. I was afraid if I mentioned it out loud Heimoff might come to his senses and get it the hell off the Internet.
Hat tip on this to the Wine Curmudgeon, who retains his respectable position in society in part by convincing me to write about stuff like this so he doesn’t have to.
UPDATE: After watching the video for about the thousandth time, I note that there are roughly a half-dozen jump-cuts, implying that there were parts of the “show” that were edited out because, presumably, they were less interesting than what was left in. My question is: How is that possible?
Posted in Wine Writing | Comments (7)
Innovation or Personal Challenge?
January 10th, 2012 by Tom Johnson
Designer Christopher Yamane has created what he calls an “unspillable” wine glass which, while clever, is “unspillable” only in the sense that a gentle tap will cause it to roll only 45 degrees before it is caught by its protective glass ring.
For those of us who spill wine rather more grandly than that — while gesticulating wildly at the dinner table, for example, and splatting wine over a roughly six-foot-by-six-foot area — the glass seems like it would be ineffective.
Still, you can buy four of them here for $150.
Posted in Hardware, Uncategorized | Comments (4)
The Situation In New Jersey
January 10th, 2012 by Tom Johnson
New Jersey’s legislature passed a direct shipping law yesterday that gets the state out of dutch with the Supreme Court. To which I say: thank goodness. I was worried Scalia was going to have to go up there and bust some kneecaps.
The direct shipping reform was just one part of a busy day for the legislature, which apparently frittered away most of its term taking under-the-table campaign contributions and practicing writing “Mrs. Chris Christie” on pending legislation while staring dreamily out the window. On the last day of the session, more than 150 bills needed to be considered.
To simplify the process, the legislature decided to just give up and turn the state into a basic cable reality show.
“For years we argued that Jersey Shore was not what the state was all about,” said made-up state representative Steven “Guido” Singletary. “After a while, we just decided WTF.”
On the same day the legislature passed direct wine shipping, it also created a pilot program to allow parimutuel betting in bars, exempted beach bars from noise restrictions, and dropped the previously required three-day waiting period to get married.
“Whoo-hoo!” shouted fictional state Senator Angela “Guido” Brancusi, pictured above on the floor of the legislature. “I’m gonna get creepyyyyyyy!”
Posted in Regulation | Comments (2)
Wine Scores and Seasonal Affective Disorder
January 9th, 2012 by Tom Johnson
The invaluable Dr. Vino rounds-up evidence that score inflation is causing wine drinkers to become jaded, making 90-point wines as unattractive in the market as 88-point wines used to be. He cites this bit of marvelous sarcasm from wine merchant Daniel Posner:
Every time I turn around, another 2007 Barolo is getting 96 points or higher. Sales sheets have been coming my way with loads of offerings and the points are nearly always the same. 96 points…96 points…97 points, and then, perish the thought, they try to sell me a 94 pointer! I mean really. Who is buying 94 point wine these days? 94 points is for chumps…losers…people that don’t really love Barolo. Because if you love Barolo, you are buying 96 points and up…
Leave the 94 pointers for the people that like Napa Cabs…
I, personally, am totally on-board both with the considerable evidence that wine scores are floating upwards. I also believe that people with more money than sense use their dedication to highly rated wines as a substitute for the actual enjoyment of wine for its own sake.
Partly because of that, and partly because we are in the nearly hopeless time of year between Christmas and the opening of spring training, I am formulating my “Theory of All Things Picky.” The theory, not fully developed but regularly expressed over drinks with anyone unfortunate enough to make eye contact with me, is thus:
Everything is getting too complicated. Not every human activity requires connoisseurship. Just shut up and drink your freakin’ wine already.
Only I don’t actually say “freakin’”.
Posted in Mr. Grumpy | Comments (0)
As Always, Keep New Jersey In Your Prayers
January 9th, 2012 by Tom Johnson
The New Jersey State Assembly is scheduled to vote today on a direct shipping bill.
If it passes, New Jersey will be the 39th state to allow direct shipping.
Posted in Regulation | Comments (0)
Well, This Will Certainly Cut Down on the Amount of Wine I Need to Store
January 5th, 2012 by Tom Johnson
Nanowine is a design project/statement designed by Koert van Mensvoort, Hendrik-Jan Grievink, and Ruben Daas. In the broadest sense, it speaks to the increasing distance between man and nature. In narrower terms, it provides a spine-chilling look at the future of industrial wine.
With ‘nano wine’, in order to achieve different varietals, users activate their selection of the millions of molecule-sized flavour capsules in the drink, which is by default a kind of merlot. tastes may range from vanilla– to mimic the taste of australian wines– and truffle to oak and pepper (to recreate a syrah, for example). the particles are activated by different wattages and duration of exposure to microwave, so by microwaving the wine accordingly, users can completely alter and tweak its taste. inactivated nano-capsules are drunk with no adverse affects, while the opened capsules alter the taste, smell, and even colour of the wine.
Above is a chart explaining how long and what setting one might cook the wine to achieve a certain varietal.
Nanowine is a real product that you can buy, but it’s mostly art. No matter how much you cook it, it remains run-of-the-mill Merlot.
You can buy Nanowine here.
Posted in Oddities, Uncategorized | Comments (3)
I’m Thinking About Starting a Movement to Take Things Less Seriously
January 4th, 2012 by Tom Johnson
New York Times wine critic Eric Asimov takes time out of his busy schedule seriously regarding the world’s wines to take a crack at something he calls “analytical eating.”
Can’t you just feel the joy?
Posted in Mr. Grumpy | Comments (0)
Ten Reasons Why Wine Bloggers Go Inexplicably Silent For Three Months
December 29th, 2011 by Tom Johnson
- Conducting test to see how long it would be before Samantha notices I’m gone.
- Lost link to Steve Heimoff’s blog, can’t find anything else that silly to make fun of
- Burned out from abortive attempt to write weekly news column for iPad wine magazine
- Caught up in Trump-esque dealmaking frenzy that resulted in formation of Maryland corporation to market urinary biomarker
- Time spent thinking about urinary biomarkers makes drinking anything unappetizing
- Swallowed cork whole, passage took unexpectedly long, and am now rethinking opinion of screw caps
- Onset of Winter causes number of hours slept each day to rise from seven to 21.
- Newt Gingrich presidential campaign
- Inability to think of clever way to reintroduce myself after long hiatus causes reinforcing loop of writers block and self-loathing
- Personal issues. It’s always fucking personal issues.
Thanks to all who inquired. I’ll start posting again regularly.
Happy New Year.
Posted in Not Particularly Anything | Comments (10)
Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics
October 17th, 2011 by Tom Johnson
There’s a serious political battle going on in Washington state over state-owned liquor stores. One one side, we have big money flowing in from D.C.-based wholesaler groups who want nothing ever to change under any circumstances whatever and unions representing state liquor store employees. On the other side we have advocates of a free market or, to be more precise, Costco, which stands to make a bundle if it can start selling alcoholic beverages.
Those in favor of retaining the state monopoly like to cite various studies documenting huge increases in alcohol consumption when states get out of the liquor business. They do this largely with impunity, since modern journalism is concerned with documenting both sides of an argument rather than trying to figure out if one side or the other is, say, just making shit up.
Which is why optimists about the prospects of the American Experiment should send a thank you note to Erik Smith of WashingtonStateWire.com. Mr. Smith clearly sees the reporter’s role as more than stenographer. Confronted with endless repetitions of a horrifying statistic from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) that privatizing state liquor stores leads to a 48% increase in consumption, he did actual research. No, really.
It is based on a study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that wasn’t a study, wasn’t done by the CDC, and was based mainly on 30 and 40-year-old sales figures for wine, not hard liquor. It also doesn’t jibe with real-world statistics, which suggest Washington alcohol consumption won’t increase a drop.
One might imagine that, suitably embarrassed, pro-monopoly shills would find some other argument to make. One would be wrong. Lying doesn’t bear the political stigma it once did, and the political conventional wisdom is that, when caught lying, the best thing to do is to keep right on doing it.
Says spokesman Alex Fryer, “No one can know precisely how much alcohol consumption will rise, but, again, the CDC predicts a 48 percent increase. We believe the recommendations of the epidemiologists and public health experts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention should be a big part of the debate.”
And Al Gore said he invented the Internet. Fact is, lying works.
Posted in Regulation | Comments (3)