Bordeaux Faces Crisis With Astounding Bravery and Fortitude
After announcing the eighth “Vintage of the Century” in ten years, members of the secretive Bordeaux Société d’Exagération Extrême (The Bordeaux Hype Society) went into executive session to deal with what one member described as “the greatest crisis the world has ever faced.”
We are running out of merde to justify price increases, and I have thousands of children in college and my car insurance just went up 30,000%. We have to come up with the best plan it is possible for the human mind to conceive or we will surely all die slow, lingering deaths and putrefy in the street.
Members of the society agreed to abandon the phrase “vintage of the century,” replacing it with options from a list titled “The Best and Most Poetic Phrases Since Psalms.” The list was leaked to Louisville Juice by a disgruntled board secretary who recently asked for a pay increase, only to be told that her $23,000 salary represented “wealth beyond human imagination.” Among the approved vintage descriptions are:
- The greatest and most profound vintage since the French invented wine
- A vintage so emotionally evocative it will change mankind’s understand of the human condition
- Universal truth and beauty in a perfectly symmetrical bottle
- A vintage so powerful it will cause your penis to grow 30% — 40% if you’re wealthy Chinese
Another board member, leaving the meeting, called the agreement “the greatest success since the Treaty of Kadesh” and predicted the plan would cause Bordeaux wine prices to “continue to rise forever.”
If the program does not “exceed everyone’s greatest expectations,” the Board authorized the hiring of a consultant to help “push the Society not just to the next level, but to the very top.” No names were released, but American real estate mogul Donald Trump is rumored to be shopping for “the most beautiful, very best estate in watchacallit, Medoc.”
June 8th, 2011 at 10:43 AM
Made perfect sense until it got hairy with the introduction of the Trump card.